Evelien's Dagboek

A turbulent Tuesday

Today (Tuesday) was once again totally devoted to gender disphoria. Not only did I have an appointment with the psychologist from the VU in Amsterdam, but I also wanted to attend a support group meeting for transsexuals at Humanitas in Rotterdam. A hefty timetable!

And there were also extra hurdles to overcome. It started on Monday evening already, when our car suddenly wouldn’t start! We were lucky of course, that this happened the evening before and not at our moment of departure! So yesterday evening first the Renault serviceman duly arrived and when it turned out, that he couldn’t fix the problem, the break-down lorry followed, to take our car to the garage.

There was still enough time to come up with a contingency plan. These are the moments you learn who your true friends are. One of our friends took us from Eindhoven to Heeze. In Heeze, we have another friend, who was willing to lend us her car. So we were on our way. Not in our own Twingo, but in a Fiat Cinqueciento. A nice little car and absolutely great, if you are stuck without wheels, but there is a great difference between the Fiat and the Renault! I would never swap our car for this Fiat!

But the Fiat took us to all the places we wanted to go. So we started with a trip to Amsterdam.

On the way there, I rechecked my story I have written for the VU about my gender dysphoric feelings in the past 44 years. It is very difficult to phrase such a story, so I decided, that this would have to do. It is also important, that they get this story timely, so that they can use it to evaluate my case…

This was already the fifth appointment with the psychologist. So one more before I can get the ‘Green Light’? (‘Green Light’ = Permission to start the hormone treatment and prepare for the operation.) Well… No! It turns out, that I will have to undergo another test. That’s odd, because I thought, that this test would be ‘The Interview’ I wrote about earlier, but apparently it is something else. Anyway, we’ll see what happens. It only takes more time…

The psychologist is now really digging into the question why I say didn’t feel like a girl, when I was a little child. I wrote about this earlier. I knew I was different, but I just didn’t know in what way! How can a child know, that it does not fit into it’s gender role? That would have to begin with knowing, what a gender role is! I only learned about that much later. It sounds like a nice excuse to delay my treatment even further, but let’s just hope, we can solve this as soon as possible.

Then we went on to Rotterdam. My spouse had to rehearse for a musical in Zevenkamp, which is in the North-Eastern corner of the city, while I had to be in Delfshaven, which is near the city center. So we drove to Zevenkamp and had dinner there. Unfortunately, there was not enough time to completely finish my dinner, because I needed to be at Humanitas on time. It seemed to work. I arrived at the subway station Coolhaven ten minutes before the session was due to begin. From the subway station you simply cross the bridge and already you are in the street, where Humanitas has it’s office. Only one problem: The bridge was gone! For a moment I was startled. If I would have to walk all the way to the next bridge, I would never make it in time for the support group meeting.

But fortunately, the city counsel had provided a solution: there is a temporary ferry service, that takes you, free of charge, across the Coolhaven. So I arrived just in time.

It was ten months ago I visited with the support group last time. So of course, there were many new group members, I hadn’t met before. Sometimes it is difficult to guess who is MTF and who is FTM…

The group has a non disclosure policy, so nobody talks outside the group about what happens there and I won’t do that here, of course. It is always great to see these people again and to hear how they have been doing. One member has made all the arrangements to have her operation in Thailand. No VU, no ‘Green Light’. Just shell out an amount of money and you can get what you want. So this will be my alternative too, if the VU won’t understand, that not every transsexual tells the same story.

There is always criticism in the group about the way of working and the policy of the VU. Quite different from my own experiences so far.

Then I took the boat trip across the Coolhaven in the opposite direction and subwayed back to Zevenkamp. I managed to find the church, were the rehearsals for the musical take place. When I arrived, they were still practicing the songs. It is beginning to sound great! The musical will be played starting October 1st…

And then we took the Fiat back to Eindhoven…

On the way there, I wrote the Dutch version of this entry, so that could be simply copy/pasted to my weblog. The English version had to be created at home.

(You may have noticed, that not all Dutch entries on my weblog are accompanied by an English version. This is because some things are so much connected to the Dutch language, that it would be no use to publish them in English.)

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