Diary

Once upon a time, in the Indian summer of the year 2000, I was lucky enough to be able to rent a studio in the center of Rotterdam for a few months at an almost reasonable price. I was still very uncertain about where I wanted to go with my transgender issues and living alone for a while was a unique opportunity to find out more about myself.

I was still very inexperienced in presenting myself in female form to the outside world, but I had the feeling it didn't matter that much in the center of a metropolitan city. I just needed to walk out my front door a few steps and I was completely anonymous among the crowd. So I had the feeling I could do some experiments over there and so I did.

I wasn't living a double life; this was really a triple life. I still went to work in the posh leased car, dressed in suit, shirt and tie. I ventured out in 'girl-mode', dressed in a skirt, a girlish top and wearing a wig. And I relaxed in a sort of androgynous mode, looking like an in-betweeny, wearing trousers and sweaters and nail polish.

In 'girl-mode' I must have looked like a mess, dressing up in too sexy, too young clothes for my age. I was instantly spotted as a cross dresser all over the place. And I think there may have been some dangerous situations for me. But I was lucky and wasn't physically harassed in any way. I am not so sure I could have pulled this off in the USA!

As an in-betweeny I did look sort-of acceptable. That was the way I frequented the local pub, which was a bit of a redneck place, featuring an après-ski atmosphere every day and karaoke in the weekends. People must have seen me as sort of a faggot over there, but since I did sing karaoke every now and then and I did drink gallons of beer like the rest of the crowd, I was accepted.

I was also dressed as an in-betweeny when my sister and my brother-in-law came to visit me. This was coming-out time! As I said, I was not so sure what way I really wanted to go in my life, but I was convinced some gender issue was involved. I can't really remember how I explained this to them, but I do remember I was met with a heart warming acceptance. My brother-in-law expressed his acceptance in words, but my sister is not that much of a talker. She expressed it in another way: When they said goodbye she took her bracelet off her wrist and put it on mine! This was a very powerful way to show her feelings! It is one of the most precious gifts anyone ever gave me!!


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