Diary

I don't know whether there is a 'right' way to transition on the job, but I'm sure I did almost everything wrong. Please do not go in my footsteps.

It was the fourth of July 2002 when I first explained my situation to the company psychologist. Her reaction was a great relief for me. She said transitioning on the job was certainly possible. She said I should discuss my transition with my boss and she also insisted I should find medical help as soon as possible.

This was a real important first step in my coming out at work. I Felt on cloud nine all weekend!

But then on Monday I had an unfortunate encounter with our department manager. I had the feeling he was underestimating the capabilities of the people in his department and I asked a question about that in a meeting. Afterwards my boss said I 'put a foot in my mouth'. Of course that had not been my intention, but these things happen to me. When I disagree with things I keep my mouth shut for too long and then when I do speak up the words come out too violently...

And that evening I heard Virginia Stephenson in Gendertalk #367:
She transitioned in October 2001. Everything went great and she sort of dropped her guard. But then early in June, her boss came into her office and told her that "the transition wasn't working". "Your performance is outstanding", he said: "But we just don't want you here as a woman."
So there I was: I was already undervalued and misunderstood and now I was about to do something that even failed for admittedly outstanding employees! I got very worried and sent a question to Gendertalk about my transition and the possible impact on my career. I also thought I was beginning to see a pattern: Transitions that start out fine turn out nasty after a while...
But there was no way I could stop now, I needed to go on with my transition.

The normal way to announce your transition at work is to send an email or a memo to all your colleagues announcing your new name, a date of transition and at least some basic background information. I didn't do that. I just told them about my transition in some regular meetings. So there was not one clear moment of transition in my workplace. Not all my colleagues were informed at the same time and I was slowly drifting from a male to a female appearance.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

My question to Gendertalk was answered in program #389 on December 9th. 2002. Nancy had some good tips for me and those who come after me. For one thing: Your career is going to take hit, women earn less than men for the same work. Another important thing to note is that you should not remain in transition for too long. People expect you to act a clear gender role; either male or female, not inbetween!

A lot of things that were said in that program have turned out to be true. And I have also learned that the pattern I noticed does indeed exist. Many transitions start out smoothly. If people are supportive they will allow you a little leeway in the beginning. But after a while it will have to be 'business as usual'. And that is when people start wondering: "What is a woman doing in this position? Shouldn't she be demoted?"
Once people start to think about you that way, you will find out what it really is like to be treated as a woman at work...


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