Diary

I don't know whether there is a 'right' way to transition on the job, but I'm sure I did almost everything wrong. Please do not go in my footsteps.

It was the fourth of July 2002 when I first explained my situation to the company psychologist. Her reaction was a great relief for me. She said transitioning on the job was certainly possible. She said I should discuss my transition with my boss and she also insisted I should find medical help as soon as possible.

This was a real important first step in my coming out at work. I Felt on cloud nine all weekend!

But then on Monday I had an unfortunate encounter with our department manager. I had the feeling he was underestimating the capabilities of the people in his department and I asked a question about that in a meeting. Afterwards my boss said I 'put a foot in my mouth'. Of course that had not been my intention, but these things happen to me. When I disagree with things I keep my mouth shut for too long and then when I do speak up the words come out too violently...

And that evening I heard Virginia Stephenson in Gendertalk #367:
She transitioned in October 2001. Everything went great and she sort of dropped her guard. But then early in June, her boss came into her office and told her that "the transition wasn't working". "Your performance is outstanding", he said: "But we just don't want you here as a woman."
So there I was: I was already undervalued and misunderstood and now I was about to do something that even failed for admittedly outstanding employees! I got very worried and sent a question to Gendertalk about my transition and the possible impact on my career. I also thought I was beginning to see a pattern: Transitions that start out fine turn out nasty after a while...
But there was no way I could stop now, I needed to go on with my transition.

The normal way to announce your transition at work is to send an email or a memo to all your colleagues announcing your new name, a date of transition and at least some basic background information. I didn't do that. I just told them about my transition in some regular meetings. So there was not one clear moment of transition in my workplace. Not all my colleagues were informed at the same time and I was slowly drifting from a male to a female appearance.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

My question to Gendertalk was answered in program #389 on December 9th. 2002. Nancy had some good tips for me and those who come after me. For one thing: Your career is going to take hit, women earn less than men for the same work. Another important thing to note is that you should not remain in transition for too long. People expect you to act a clear gender role; either male or female, not inbetween!

A lot of things that were said in that program have turned out to be true. And I have also learned that the pattern I noticed does indeed exist. Many transitions start out smoothly. If people are supportive they will allow you a little leeway in the beginning. But after a while it will have to be 'business as usual'. And that is when people start wondering: "What is a woman doing in this position? Shouldn't she be demoted?"
Once people start to think about you that way, you will find out what it really is like to be treated as a woman at work...

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It was October 2001 and I was moving into my new home. I would be living all by myself there. I was hoping to start living full-time as a woman from day #1. But that is easier said than done. Inside the house there was no problem at all, but I still had little experience in going outside. I also didn't have enough female clothes that were suitable for the winter season that was now beginning. You might say I had been a 'fair weather woman' until then.

So I needed to go shopping for suitable clothes in male attire. I did have some experience in buying clothes at department stores. You just need to be bold enough to go to the female department, take the clothes you like and try them on in a fitting booth. No problem, nobody will bother you, no questions will be asked. Then you just need the courage to take these clothes to the cash register and pay for them. That's all.

But sometimes you need the help of a salesperson. That happened when I was buying a pair of nice high-heeled boots. This was the very last pair in my size and they were on display, without a box. So could I just take these to the cash register without a box?

"O yes you can", said the salesgirl: "But sir, I need to warn you, these are ladies' shoes!"
"Thank you", I said: "I know. I'm afraid people will just need to get used to me."

We got into a very nice conversation about gender variant dressing behavior. She didn't make a problem of it at all, but she was genuinely interested. This was a real boost for my self-confidence.

As my wardrobe was expanding, I went out in female attire more and more often and my confidence was growing. There is a first time for everything and there is a lot to learn. Just walking around the block is not natural behavior. You need to know where you want to go and why you want to go there. Putting a letter in the mail was a good beginning. Going to the grocery store was one step further. Going to the weekly market was a great step. Mingling in the crowd, you will soon find out how well you pass and you can learn from that. Every new experience felt like a little victory.

And after a while it all became normal and natural. I learned that the important thing is to know for yourself there is nothing wrong with going out like this. The moment you think you are doing something wrong, you sort of radiate your feeling and other people will feel the same way. Keep calm, act confident and people are likely to accept you the way you are.

My journey into femininity had finally really started. But where was I heading? I didn't know. Or maybe I wasn't ready to admit it to myself.

It was clear to me that I wasn't there yet. I was living as a woman most of the time, but some very difficult steps were still ahead of me, like coming out at work and coming out to my family. I will tell you more about that in my future columns.

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