Diary

It was October 2001 and I was moving into my new home. I would be living all by myself there. I was hoping to start living full-time as a woman from day #1. But that is easier said than done. Inside the house there was no problem at all, but I still had little experience in going outside. I also didn't have enough female clothes that were suitable for the winter season that was now beginning. You might say I had been a 'fair weather woman' until then.

So I needed to go shopping for suitable clothes in male attire. I did have some experience in buying clothes at department stores. You just need to be bold enough to go to the female department, take the clothes you like and try them on in a fitting booth. No problem, nobody will bother you, no questions will be asked. Then you just need the courage to take these clothes to the cash register and pay for them. That's all.

But sometimes you need the help of a salesperson. That happened when I was buying a pair of nice high-heeled boots. This was the very last pair in my size and they were on display, without a box. So could I just take these to the cash register without a box?

"O yes you can", said the salesgirl: "But sir, I need to warn you, these are ladies' shoes!"
"Thank you", I said: "I know. I'm afraid people will just need to get used to me."

We got into a very nice conversation about gender variant dressing behavior. She didn't make a problem of it at all, but she was genuinely interested. This was a real boost for my self-confidence.

As my wardrobe was expanding, I went out in female attire more and more often and my confidence was growing. There is a first time for everything and there is a lot to learn. Just walking around the block is not natural behavior. You need to know where you want to go and why you want to go there. Putting a letter in the mail was a good beginning. Going to the grocery store was one step further. Going to the weekly market was a great step. Mingling in the crowd, you will soon find out how well you pass and you can learn from that. Every new experience felt like a little victory.

And after a while it all became normal and natural. I learned that the important thing is to know for yourself there is nothing wrong with going out like this. The moment you think you are doing something wrong, you sort of radiate your feeling and other people will feel the same way. Keep calm, act confident and people are likely to accept you the way you are.

My journey into femininity had finally really started. But where was I heading? I didn't know. Or maybe I wasn't ready to admit it to myself.

It was clear to me that I wasn't there yet. I was living as a woman most of the time, but some very difficult steps were still ahead of me, like coming out at work and coming out to my family. I will tell you more about that in my future columns.


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