Diary

When you listen to Gendertalk you hear so many people who claim they are transsexual. And maybe you have wondered how they can be so sure of that. How do they know? It is not a virus, there is no injury. There is really no objective way to determine whether someone is a transsexual. It is something they feel inside. They have a male body, but they say they feel they are women. Isn't that silly? What does it mean to feel you are a woman? How can you tell?

Those are very good questions. And believe me, I have struggled with those questions for years. And I went looking for information -- on the Internet of course. I found many diaries and stories written by transsexuals. They knew what was the matter with them. But I was looking for scientific material, Hard evidence, a litmus test, I needed to be sure.

And I did find material that was labeled 'scientific'. I found "The transsexual phenomenon", by Harry Benjamin, I found "The Man who would be Queen", by J. Michael Bailey.
Yes, Bailey's book! At the time I didn't know his book made many transsexual people very angry. I just thought I had found a reliable source of information.
In this book he presents the results of a research he claims to have done about transsexual people. In his view there are two types of transsexuals: Type one, which he calls the 'homosexual type' and type two, which he calls the 'autogynephilic type'.
He goes on to describe type one as misdirected gay men who want to transition because they think their attraction to men would be more acceptable and their chances of finding a man would increase if they were women. He also says these are the 'early onset' transsexuals, i.e. those who transition at a young age.
Type two is described as the group of misdirected heterosexual men, who sort of invert their attraction to women onto themselves, so that they can become the object of their own lust. He also calls this group the 'late onset' transsexuals, i.e. those who transition at an older age.

This book got me very confused. First of all, Bailey calls both types of transsexuals 'misdirected' in one way or another. Secondly I didn't fit into either of his categories, so the logical conclusion seemed to be that I was not a transsexual. Based on the book, one could even say that nobody is a transsexual. They are all just 'misdirected' people.

But the truth of the matter is that you only need to listen to your heart. You will know! I knew it! I was just looking for excuses for not admitting to this strong feeling. But that didn't work. The book didn't give me such an excuse. I felt the book just wasn't about me. Maybe I was a new kind of transsexual? The thought that Mr. Bailey could be all wrong didn't occur to me at the time...


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