Diary

If you start living full-time in the opposite gender role, you go around every day trying to look like a girl although you have a male body. The more clothing you wear the easier that is. But you will run into problems with activities where you don't wear so much clothing, such as swimming.

In the three years since my transition I had only swum one time. That was in a swimming pool in Italy. Julia so much wanted to go for a swim, I couldn't refuse that. But I didn't feel ready for it. I hadn't started with my hormone treatment yet, so my body was still completely male, but I had to go dressed as a girl. With falsies in my bikini top and with an unnatural bulging in my panty. I didn't feel really at ease there, but afterwards it was a good feeling to know I had conquered my fear and done Julia a favor.

But it gets even more complicated. In the past Julia and I always went to naturist beaches. Yes, that's right: Skinny dipping! We always loved the atmosphere at naturist beaches: people are very friendly and they care about the environment. You won't find empty cans and bottles or cigarette buds on a naturist beach. These people clean up their mess when they leave.
Of course on a naturist beach transvestism is impossible. Without any clothes you cannot pretend to be anything but yourself. So I hadn't been there since my transition. It was impossible for me to go anywhere if I would have to look like a guy. But things have changed. Now that I am on hormones, my body is changing. I don't look like a man anymore, I look like a... SheMale!
Of course a SheMale is a rather unusual kind of person, but I had decided I wanted to go to the naturist beach again as soon as I didn't look like a man any more. So last week I took the big step and went to the beach for the first time in three years. I have to admit I was a bit scared to do that. But I am not sorry I did. It is so relaxing to let go of all pretending and make-believe. I was just me, nothing more, nothing less!
Of course people have looked at me. There is nothing wrong with that! Everybody looks at everybody else. Some people will have thought: "Hey, HE has breasts!" and others thought: "Hey SHE has a penis!" And they were right! So what!

When I got the idea to do my column about this subject I hesitated at first. In one of my previous columns I also touched another taboo and some people were confused by that. And I know nudity is much more taboo in the USA than it is in the Netherlands. So I did a little research on the internet to find out whether naturism would be acceptable in my column. The first hit I got on Google was a page with a picture of a nude couple on the beach at Cape Codd, so that was a good sign. And soon I found the pages of "The Naturist Society" at http://www.naturistsociety.com/.
They have a slogan that exactly expresses my feelings about my outing to the beach:

"Body Acceptance is the Idea, Nude Recreation is the Way"

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It is three years ago that I transitioned from working as a man to working as a woman. And now I am out of work. This didn't go like in Virginia Stephenson's case. She was simply told: "We don't want you here as a woman." That would have been against the company Code of Conduct. Article 4.3 explicitly states: "Every employee has equal opportunities and will be treated equally, regardless of personal background, race, gender, nationality, age, sexual orientation or religion."
And article 1 of the Dutch constitution simple says: "Discrimination is prohibited."
So if they would have fired me because I am a transsexual, I could easily have sued them.

No, it was all done in small steps, in a much more subtle way. Since my transition, I have never had a positive performance review. There was always a lot of criticism about my performance on the job. The criticism ranged from brutal lies and half truths to vague accusations and subjective impressions.
Then I just happened to meet the criteria for lay-off in a reorganization. I was transferred to another company, but remained doing the same work, only now as a temp instead of a normal employee.
And the bad performance reviews continued. My former employer, who was now my customer was never satisfied. They tried to end my contract because my part in the project had allegedly been completed. That was another lie and I succeeded in continuing the contract two times because the work wasn't finished.
Now they have made a third attempt to kick me out and they have succeeded. My work still has not been finished, I have had to transfer it to a new colleague. Now that I am a temp it is really quite simple to get rid of me: They just needed to say to my new employer that they are not interested in hiring me any longer.

So my work has ended. It has been stolen away from me. I have cried a lot lately. It is all just so unfair! And there is very little I can do about it. It is very clear that the beautiful 'company Code of Conduct' is a paper tiger. To give one other example: Amongst 1000 employees there is not one single homosexual working for my former employer! Do you believe that? Neither do I. Clearly the homosexuals in the company keep quiet about their orientation, because they fear to be discriminated.

I am out of work now, but I am not out of a job yet. My new employer will have to come up with a new assignment for me. It will be a litmus test of their company Code of Conduct to watch closely how they are going to handle this.

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